to go into home building (I know, right?)

I currently feel as though I am unemployed, I might as well be since I am a well paid babysitter. I 'guest teach'. That's a fancy way of saying that I am sent in on sick days to ensure that the students don't harm one another since I am rarely left plans to actually teach. It's usually just management; "make sure that the kids finish project a and that they start on project b that I taught them all about yesterday that was super exciting and now you have to keep them quiet for five and a half hours today, ok?" I kid you not, one day I coloured for four of the five periods because the French teacher had finished the unit and didn't want me to start on a new topic. I'm not bitter, I'm just bored. My mom always said that boring people are bored, perhaps that is what is crippling me, I feel as though I am a boring person. I mean, I have stories I can tell you but you will genuinely worry about the future of our society if I tell you them (which I will in future blog posts, don't fret).

Aside from being unemployed, I am also super employed. I am part owner in a home building business and a house flip. These two endeavours were not exactly my dream vocations, rather acquisitions that came with marriage. You get all sorts of hidden things in the marriage 'package', most of it is great, but for me, a realist, home building is a stressed out marathon that eats up all of your credit, your every last nerve, and wraps you up so completely in people pleasing it boggles your mind (my husband continues to reassure me that we won't go bankrupt, he should try convincing my overactive imagination).

My explanation: when you dress in the morning, you dress with a purpose to impress someone. We all try to say that we dress for ourselves, but in reality we all know that we don't, ok? We don't. We dress to impress, to conceal, to enhance, to fit in, to stand out, to get the job (or in my case, to not get the teaching job, I don't want it, we'll talk more later), sure, we want to be comfortable but we also need to look presentable. Every day we fear something, someone's judgement, a kindergarten's sticky fingers touching a white sweater, the potential of what someone thinks about you, whether admitted or not, this fear is in those choices. Now take that analogy and imagine it on a grander scale, it's a house, and everyday you will use this house, you will invite people over and they will use this house, and to a greater extent they will see this house, because it is not their house they will talk about the layout, the colour of the walls, the usage of the area.

When you buy a house you fall in love, but when you build a house you have to envision what it is that you would fall in love with if you had a budget and builder standards. It has caused me some anxiety. It can be overwhelming and very exciting at the same time. I am making the majority of the decisions on how to dress a house. And I tend to walk to the beat of my own drum fashion wise, I liked a pop of colour long before Kate Spade made it cool. And a big printed couch, that's been my dream ever since I thought of owning a couch (which is also why I do not own a couch yet, I have yet to make that commitment). The hard thing is, if I designed a house the way that I wanted to actually design a house I think I would be the only person that would ever love it, and it would cost a fortune. I don't think my husband could move in, he'd be too scared of all of the prints, patterns and colours everywhere. The other scary fact is that I change my favourite colour about once a week. I change my mind constantly, and I think that's why I like a bit of chaos in colour.

In order for my house to not look like a crazy kaleidoscope, I scaled back and I leaned to the classic side. I chose a grey cabinetry and very soft non-threatening colours. I have some crazy peeking out, my husband is all for this, we will paint our bedroom a really dark, rich purple. And I have already warned my reader that the room will be purple because she hates purple. How can someone hate a colour? I just don't understand it. Nevertheless people have their opinions, and they are allowed those opinions, I just want everyone to like my opinions.

Oh gosh, I'm 30, it's time to get over these things.

That's all.