to keep dancing

I have a thing for theme songs, for attributing seasons to music. I often fantasize about creating soundtracks to movies, or producing a show set to music but I will stick to using music as an inspiration for writing. And today is my birthday, I also enjoy writing on my birthday. It's a good opportunity to take stock in the previous year and think on what the next year might bring. I am using lyrics from the song Keep Dancing by Wolf Saga, they are in purple, and their song is linked below. 

There comes a time in our life where our hands are kept tied but our feet they don’t fail us now.

I was on my way to work a couple of months ago and a chorus came on the good old CBC. I made it a point to write down the name of the band and the song so I wouldn’t forget it. 

This was also around the time that we were gearing up to head to South Africa to meet, acquaint ourselves, and adopt our son. Although the song is catchy and very upbeat it brought tears to my eyes. Too much of it rang true for the journey the hubster and I have been on to create a family. 

Starts off with a wave coming through your stereo
Your body feels the groove and your feet move cross the floor
Somedays they will be tough, and they just won't understand
But you have it in yourself to see the ways in which they can't

Once we landed on adoption it was as though the proverbial stars had aligned. Of all our family-building efforts, this seemed to be the smoothest road, paved and straight forward. I know that this is not the case for many people in their process of adoption, perhaps too, it has more to do with my hindsight perspective. What I thought would be a 2-3 year wait came together in a year and a half. The paper work was a breeze for my over-achieving self, and my overly diligent husband. We knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that this was the path we were meant to be on once we started and that contributed to our diligence. We also had friends who had gone before us and were able to give us helpful hints (apply for CIC part 1 ASAP, complete your personal history in 4 or 5 sittings don’t do it all in one night, have a friend that is a notary! I am working on a how-to post for those interested). 

Swaying side to side
Moving left to right
Up and down, you are spectacular

Once we had decided on inter-country it became the guess and check game of which country. I had called a couple of agencies and was able to talk through the processes with a couple of people about a few different places. It was a challenge because though many programs were incredible, they just didn’t seem to be the one. 

Out of nowhere my friend text me and said Family By Adoption had spots available for South Africa. I knew.  In that moment I knew that my child(ren) would come from South Africa (I say ‘ren’ because at the time of compiling our dossier we were open to twins and siblings and we didn’t know who would be joining our family). 

Life has it's dips and dives
When we're lost in the cries
And the sounds, let us remember

We worked quickly and with some very blessed breaks our CIC arrived in 4 short months (sometimes up to a year long wait), our home study took us from February until the end of April to compile, and that was with my dad passing away in March. 

The hubster and I flew the coop for a month in December and January as a baby moon. We knew that once there is a child that travel becomes a bit trickier and more costly. I had always wanted to go to New Zealand and with my dad passing away I had a bit of a YOLO mindset. We thoroughly enjoyed our camper van adventures in kiwi land. We were quite disconnected from the world as we only had wifi at a McDonalds or public library. 

There comes a time when our hands might get tied
But our feet they won't fail us now
Until that moment comes like you've been hoping
I know we'll keep dancing on

We returned home to startling news. Changes were being proposed in South Africa to their adoption policies. Changes that, should they pass these amendments, would make it very difficult for inter-country adoptions to occur. Now, I understand the need and the desire to retain culture and preserve families, I know that. I battled that often in our process, “how can I take a child from their homeland” the guilt is real, so please understand me. The bigger issue at play here is that 3500 children are found abandoned EVERY YEAR in South Africa, those are the ones that survive. The number of children adopted both domestically and internationally has continuously declined in the last 10 years. The government believes that their proposed amendments will increase domestic adoptions, but that is the number for adoptions that has had the most significant decrease in the time stated. 

We returned from New Zealand gutted. Here we had been on this smooth, paved, straight path, and a mountain stood before us. One that we couldn’t climb. We couldn’t bomb it. We couldn’t go through it. We just had to stare at it and hope it would move. We told very few of the very few friends that knew that this mountain was before us. In the process of adoption there are many mountains, and as much as you want to move them, you can’t. The fallacy of control was something that I thought I had gotten over. I was at an impasse. I coudn’t move the mountain, and I couldn’t walk away from the mountain either. 

Rolling down the window, counting paint on the road
This is the place you call home, this is the place you call home
Shouting out to the streets "I am here, I am me"
Send it out to the world, "Yes I can, watch and see"

I chose hope.

I had bought my sister in law a "hope" giving key for Christmas one year. She eventually gave it back to me. I put it on my neck and it felt like a 10 kilo weight. Choosing hope is the hardest thing to do when life has repeatedly handed you lemons on one particular journey. How do you choose hope, when it all seems so hopeless? 

I was on the phone with my brother explaining all of this to him in early January. I admitted to him, he was the first, that I stopped calling the room we had filled with tools and other household paraphernalia the tool room, and with gritted teeth and tears streaming down my face I whispered, the baby room. 

The baby room. That was the hardest phrase to say. To put it out there, having no control over any outcome, having no ability to see the future. The Baby Room. Every time I repeated it I felt hope growing and a resolve settling in. It would be a baby's room. 

Swaying side to side
Moving left to right
Up and down, you are spectacular

Reader, I won’t lie to you and say that it was all sunshine and roses. There were many days I forced myself to wear the silly hope necklace. Oh, how I hated that necklace. Every day I wore it I prayed that God would show me who to give it to, I could not wait to get rid of it. But I had to choose it. Over an over again, I had to choose to hope. 

I would love to tell you that when I phoned the agency and they hinted that we needed to get our “stuff in order” that I exclaimed I knew it and whoopee, nope, I breathlessly whispered holy shit into the phone followed by silence. 

I did eventually come to my senses and apologize for swearing. All she could say at that time was that a referral was coming and I gulped back tears. She giggled on the other end. I thanked her profusely and stumbled to find words to tell her I had to call my husband. 

I happened to call the hubster and share this news with him just as he finished reading yet another article that outlined how the door was closing harder and faster in South Africa than originally projected. The fear in him was the disbelief in me. He rushed home and we cried and laughed and stared at each other in shock. 

Life has it's dips and dives
When we're lost in the cries
And the sounds, let us remember

I was out walking this morning, my son bouncing in the baby carrier. Exchanging a hundred kisses with his beautiful lips, listening to him quietly babble, and my heart grew even bigger. This is a birthday I hope never to forget. 

There comes a time when our hands might get tied but our feet they won’t fail us now
Until that moment comes like you’ve been hoping I know we’ll keep dancing on.

WOLF SAGA - KEEP DANCING

If your hands are tied, your feet aren't. Just keep dancing on.

Danielle Tocker Photography

That's all.