to update you on my birthday
I was going to be out of town for my birthday so we celebrated early and I tried to be all cool and it's no big deal... but it was and I will admit that I shed a few tears that I couldn't be around a large group of friends and my husband on my special day. The hubster still went out of his way to make it special. He hid an extra present in my luggage, (gifts are a love language that I speak loudly and clearly) and he had special cupcakes ordered for me. It was lovely, in a way that being far away from the person you want to be with most can be lovely. You can see why I teared up a little.
This year for my birthday, (it's this week in fact), I am doing something I have never done before. My hands are off my birthday. Ever since I could talk I told everyone what I wanted and how I wanted it done for my special day. It was the only day you were actually allowed to be selfish in a family as large as mine. I was always very decisive about what I wanted and what was not happening.
I've had quite the journey of understanding the illusion of control. We think that we are in control, but really it is more influence that we have. We cannot control much. Heck, we can't even control involuntary breathing but we like to THINK that we have control over every minute detail. It's a lie. It's been a tough pill to swallow for me, but it's all part of the process I've been going through.
So, I said to the hubster that he can plan my whole birthday. It is not a surprise, I am aware of most of the things that we are doing, I have offered some input because I know it makes him a bit nervous to have complete say in the day, especially when, in the past, I have had high expectations. I've given hints, suggestions, and helped him to form a bit of a guest list but other than that I have relinquished all control.
I am excited. For the first time in a few years I am looking forward to my birthday and what it has in store. I'm also working hard at allowing it to be what it will be, rather than surmise what treats or events he has planned (READ: worry about every detail that "needs" to be in place). I'm going to work at enjoying it and being in the moment. This has been the journey that I have been on this past year, cultivating contentment wherever I'm at. It is fitting that this is how I will culminate one year and welcome another.
I hope he knows that he has to sing this song to me.