there will be time

Oh, 2016. I'm not sure how you felt about this year but I'm glad that it was a blur. I am thankful that when I turn and look back on it, it was a mere blink.

It was one of those years. You know those years, we've all had them. The ones where the lessons were long and so apparent that they might as well have had flashing signs above them. YOU ARE NOW ENTERING A LESSON SEASON (and you may not get out of it for what feels like a very, very long time).

And guess which lesson I got to relearn for the gazillionth time? Patience.

I wonder if you could feel my eyes roll as I read that out loud to you in your head. Or, if like me, you've had to learn and relearn, and learn again that lovely little life skill of patience. I know I've written this before, a friend would admonish me, "Patience is a virtue" and I would reply, "that I don't have time for". Well, I guess I do because I'm going around the patience mountain yet again. Why is it that the go-getters of the world have to learn patience, why can't we learn that when we push really hard we get our way? (Because life isn't like that).

I really felt like I had to just figure it out. Just take some time and figure it out. I felt like it was a year of solitary confinement of just figuring things out. And man, does this brain like to figure. And it figures things one way, then the other way, and back to the next. And I'm a verbal processor, so figuring things out alone doesn't really work, yet I had to figure. Spinning the good old wheels for fun, for a full turn around the sun. Figuring out how to get out of this lesson, figuring out how to speed up the process, figuring out how to get the check mark and the A+ and move on... it doesn't work like that, surprisingly.

The hubster and I were driving home from a weekend away in November. I asked him what kind of music he'd like to hear. He always says Mumford and Sons. I think it's because it's one of those "meet in the middle" bands. He likes country and I like indie-pop so Mumford and Sons is a good compromise. They have such great driving music. The kind that you can sing along to, keep you awake and have fun all at the same time.

I found their latest album I think it came out in June or July, which is surprising that I missed that quiet release. Or I was so busy figuring that I didn't have my finger on the pulse of indie-pop releases. Whichever it was, I was happy to find a new EP.

The song There Will Be Time came on. And with it, the tears. This year I worked so hard to figure it all out. To find the next step. To find the solution. To find the thing. To learn the lesson so I could add it to my list of accomplishments and be done with it. And it didn't come.

I listened to the words of the Sons of Mumford:
And in the cold light I live to love and adore you
It's all that I am, it's all that I have
In the cold light I live, I'll only live for you
It's all that I am, it's all that I have
Why do I keep falling?
Why do I keep falling?

And a week later put it together. The tears, the frustration, the hurt came from losing my perspective. No matter what kind of figuring I do, no matter what kind of tinkering I do, it all comes down to learning patience in the process. I don't have to do or be anything to get it. I have to learn to wait my turn, or never have a turn and be ok with both. *grits teeth*

There is the subtle line in the song, where Mumford is explaining his issues and he almost speaks it, and indeed there will be time. It's as though he is reminding himself that there will be time, there isn't really much he can do at this point but be patient. I've forgotten that there will be time. I have worked so hard planning every little thing, including my response to every little thing, figuring it all out instead of just taking a deep breath and knowing that there will be time.

There is a time, a time to love
A time to sing, a time to shine
A time to leave, a time to stay
There is a time, a time to cry
A time to love, a time to live
There is a time, a time to sing

Happy New Year. You can hear the song on spotify or youtube if you haven't yet.

There will be time.

That's all.


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