to give you a brief tutorial

This is how to write a blog, in a few very simple steps.

First, get inspired. Find something that made you laugh, out loud, really hard, and then try to put it into words. That is usually very hard work, so open up your Facebook browser. Go on Facebook for about 2 hours, then realize that you have been on Facebook for two hours and have looped so many times in your feed that you're now looking at all the comments on all of the pictures.

Go back to your blog site and start writing. Hate it, delete it, start over. Decide that you need a coffee. But not just a simple coffee, you need a very specialized coffee, so pull out all the stops and either (a) go to Starbucks or any other coffee shop and buy an elaborate drink or (b) to kill just as much time, attempt to make that same coffee at home. I guarantee that it will take almost as long, if not longer. All the while, convince yourself that this is all part of the process and that you are really seeking inspiration out of writer's block.

Return to the computer, check the stats on your blog. Check out others that you follow and see what they have produced in the last little while. Then go on twitter and search up the #blog (hashtag blog for those, like my mom, who won't understand how to read that). Get ideas for how to write an awesome blog. Scroll around on twitter for a bit. Get bored. Change your settings, play around with your profile pictures and banner, revert back to the original.

Hear an email come in. Check your email. See that it is a coupon from an online retailer that you love. Open another browser and go online shopping but don't buy anything. Just shop for hours and imagine what everything would look like if duty weren't a thousand dollars on a $50 bathing suit from the US.

Come back to the blog page and hit save. Then preview, just to see how it looks. Then realize that you are hungry and need to make a seven course meal, after all it will be good fuel for the writing that you're about to undertake. Your brain must have the sustenance to write this incredible essay that is under 500 words. Pretend like you are training for an ultra marathon and eat as though you will need every last calorie.

Go through your drafts and decide which one isn't total crap and work on editing it. Then get bored of it, or realize that it is so outdated that in order for it to be relevant it would have to become a complete work of fiction. Determine that fiction is more work that non, and scrap that blog post.

Notice how dirty your computer is and find a special cloth to clean that filthy thing. Shut the whole system down to avoid causing any damage and clean every single piece of equipment. Get all of the nooks and crannies of the key pad. Because, who can work in filth? Reboot the computer and do all of the necessary (and unnecessary) updates to your software, and a quick sweep for viruses. Once the screen is glowing like new, congratulate yourself that you can finally see the words clearly and that was what was really blocking your productivity.

Realize that in actuality, you were using the blog in order to procrastinate doing something else. Feel guilty. Pour your heart in to feverishly writing out a blog post in order to feel a sense of some kind of accomplishment. Then realize that you will have to edit the post before publishing and return to the actual work that you had started. When you need a break from the "real work" that you should be doing, come back and edit, then publish and share the blog post.

That's all.


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