to make a resolution
But this year, I was having a hard time coming up with a refined goal, which is highly uncharacteristic of me, but I have (hopefully) entered a season of finally understanding "cease striving". I am a woman that is driven by accomplishment and 2013 was so difficult for me because I didn't accomplish much, it was a year of simply being, and that was a big stretch for me. I am not one that likes to 'sit still' and I think that is why last year felt a little bit like torture. There was nothing that I could do to make things go faster, or to create a job for myself, I had to just go along with the things rather than orchestrate it all, rather, think I was orchestrating it all. I made resolutions last year that involved things that normally one would think they have control over but I think the Big Guy was still working on a few things *patience cough cough*. Perhaps that was why I didn't have the right perspective of 2013, it wasn't cooperating with me. I had these high expectations that the year was going to take me out into the great and that I would be in deep waters. Instead I was relegated to the shallow end, but I quickly learned that spot was the most stretching for me, as I nearly drowned at the dock. As a good friend of mine always says, the Good Lord knows [what you need].
And now in reflecting, I glean that my lack of patience stems from my desire for control but control is not something within my grasp. Self control is really what it is all about. It is my response to those situations that don't turn out the way I wanted, or my reaction to being 'stuck at the dock'. It's all about my heart, how the internal responds to all of the external things. It is difficult when I am in a position that isn't really a community setting, my life is more fluid and solo since I don't have that consistent mirror being held up to my face by my interactions with people. I don't have 20-some kids needing something from me, and my weaknesses aren't highlighted through having a consistent group of people around me that encourage me or rub me the wrong way to help me see my rough spots, thus is the life of a substitute teacher.
All of this said, my resolution is self control that is based in joy. I know that it isn't the most specific goal, nor is it really measurable but it is something that my reflections have lead me toward. In 2014 I don't want to be a better person, because that won't ever happen, but what can happen is that I will have a better response to every situation. Even if that means that I am again in the 'shallow end', I guess I'll splash around a bit more.