to confess about coffee

Ok, I know I talk about how I've gone 'off the bean' like it is a huge accomplishment. I think I wear it like a badge, much like vegans have to tell you that they are vegan. I don't drink coffee.

Except, now I do, again, but in such a horrid form that I might get kicked out of the caffeine club permanently. It is summer, so it doesn't matter if I stay up until 4 in the morning with a kind of caffeine hang over.

I flirt with caffeine until it does things like keep me up all night. I watched the sunrise the other day, it was beautiful, and then I had to live with the three hours of sleep that I got, and at 30 that just isn't fun. It was brutal, I got all sneezy and grouchy, I was crazy-emotional and in a fog all day. But I just went to bed early, slept in the next day and was over it. It wasn't that big of a deal, really, but only because it is summer and I don't work at a job in the summer.

On top of this, I am a naturally (sort of) anxious person. I haven't been diagnosed or anything like that, I just notice that I'm strung a little tighter than some people around me. It's not a huge problem, and I know how to counter a lot of the symptoms of it, but having a cup of coffee it's like shooting my blood full of cortisol and sending me into the lions' den. I try not use it as an excuse but it puts that last nerve on a very raw edge. I often warn my husband if I have had a cup of joe so that he'll know to duck when I come out swinging.

See, these are all very good reasons to get away from coffee. And what makes my little dabble now and then even worse is that I am now completely dependent on the slow lift that a green tea brings so I am often found double fisting. It's like mixing meds, but if I don't have green tea the coffee caffeine is too strong and gives me a headache.

Here is the confession that will get me kicked out of the caffeine club though... I have been drinking instant coffee. I know. I'm sorry. I have to keep my house in gallery display right now and since we own a French Press and not a coffee maker, I have fallen prey to the ease and simplicity of instant coffee.

I don't know what is worse. Drinking instant coffee, or the fact that on a regular basis when I am sane and don't want to deal with the ADHD that coffee's caffeine gives me, I drink decaf. Yep, that's the nail in the coffin, I am shunned forever. I will go grow out my armpit hair and wear long skirts year round in order to fall full into the tea drinking category. I am not sleek, or chic, because coffee gives me bouts of borderline hysteria.

I have a reason though for continually returning to the abusive relationship that I have with coffee. Because of my blood type, high metabolism, and petite frame, coffee's form of caffeine is like crystal meth for me and I turn into a cleaning machine. It really helps when your 'to do' list is around the 30 point mark. If I wake up early enough I can literally do everything in one day. But I have to have a list to return to or else the ADHD that coffee gives me leads me to doing something like banging off a quick blog post.

Back to cleaning...

That's all.

*disclaimer: I have never done crystal meth, I know the effects because I had to teach about it*


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