I have a German father

I have talked often with my sisters and brothers about what it's like to be a child of our father. For better or for worse, his heritage has rubbed off on us. And on Father's Day I thought I'd roast my dad in loving jest. This post has been in the wings for some time, I've been compiling it for a while. I also did a little research on German stereotypes. I came across a quote that stated that Germans are like a thermos, cold on the outside, warm on the inside. This is pretty accurate and though my dad's family has inhabited Canada for a few generations those German roots and tendencies remain. I've compiled a list of a few things that can help you determine if you have a German father.

**A little disclaimer: though kraut is traditionally known as a derogatory term for Germans from the World Wars, it has become a term that my father celebrates and laughs at ... the following is written in love and full ownership of being a kraut's kid.**

If you know what a kraut is, and what the kraut line was, you are a kraut's kid.

If your last name has sch in it, at least seven letters, and only one vowel all while remaining monosyllabic, you are a kraut's kid.

If your family hails from southern Ontario, you are a kraut's kid, that most likely married a kraut and has spawned kraut grandchildren.

If you were told on a cold day to put on your long johns, a sweater, and an extra pair of socks instead of turning the heat up 2 degrees, you are a kraut's kid.

If you have lived through a winter where the heat is turned up to 19 degrees (69 for you Yanks), you are a a kraut's kid.

If you flatten the toothpaste container against the counter in the bathroom to squeeze every last ounce out of it, you are a kraut's kid.

If you yell at people for unnecessarily running the water for any length of time, because when  showering in your father's home, you heard a loud knock on the wall, which meant immediately finish in the shower, you are a kraut's kid.

If you religiously turn off lights around your house and holler at your fellow roommates that leave those lights on, you are kraut's kid.

If you have ever been asked to feel a bald spot, you are a kraut's kid (If you don't get that statement, I'm sorry, you may not be a kraut's kid).

If a recipe calls for 2 cloves of garlic and you laugh and put in an entire bulb, you are a kraut's kid.

If your favourite meal has red meat, bacon, (the aforementioned) garlic or any kind of beer cooked into it, you belong to a kraut.

If at Easter your favourite treat is flavoured marshmallows, you are a kraut's kid.

If you eat chocolate on a daily basis, you are a kraut's kid (even if my kraut father cannot eat chocolate I know this to be a German trait).

If you have eaten oysters as a late night snack, you are disgusting and should be chastised for that odd late-night snack because you are obviously a kraut's kid.

If you are drawn like a magnet to due north to yeasty things like  chewy fresh bread, and pastries, you are a kraut's kid.

If you read the previous statement and started to drool, even against your better judgement, you are a kraut.

If you have stashes of nuts randomly around your house and in your vehicle, you are a kraut's kid and will never go hungry in between meals.

If with those nuts, there is also a stash of apples, or fruit bars, you are definitely worried about your blood sugar levels and are therefore a kraut's kid.

If you have eaten pork rinds, you can thank your father that you are a kraut kid.

If heart disease runs in your family, and you are starting to watch your salt intake at 20, you are a kraut's kid.

If asked, 'do you prefer salty or sweet?' and your response is, 'both', you are a kraut's kid.

If you say the word well loudly and drawn out with a bit of an exasperated sigh to it, that ends any and every argument, you are kraut's kid.

If you hear I love you on the phone at the end of a short conversation, as though every conversation may be the last, that just means that you've been on the phone with a kraut that is learning to be more sensitive (remember the thermos). But if you get upset with someone because their phone is having troubles, you're a kraut's kid.

If you laugh thinking that you may need counselling for the 'discipline' that you received as a child in a schadenfreude sort of way, and you know what schadenfreude is without googling it, you are a kraut's kid.

If you are familiar with, and have used the phrase 'suck it up', you are stronger because you are a kraut's kid.

If, while on a road trip, you ever hustled out of the gas station bathroom because you thought you'd get left behind, you are aware that one cannot dawdle as a kraut's kid. 

If you like to drive to loud music, specifically, the Boomers, U2 War, Phil Collins' I Can Feel It Coming, anything by Mark Knopfler, or anything else that has a wicked drum solo in it; or if you have ever listened to the Led Zeppelin Orchestral album for an entire Christmas season, you, my friend, are a kraut's kid. And on that note, if you have spent an exorbitant amount of money on speakers on several occasions in your life, your poppa taught you well, and you have good ears as a kraut's kid. 

If you like soccer, as you should, you are a kraut's kid. 

If you have ever heard, or said the line, 'get outside, I can't believe these kids would want to be inside on a day like today', chances are good that you are a kraut's kid.

If you own more than 3 light blue button down shirts and you wear cargos, jargos (jean cargos), or shargos (short cargos) you are a kraut's kid.

If you collect, and collect, and collect, and then love to organize all of those collections and then purge every so often, good for you, you run a tight ship and you are a kraut's kid.

If you have known a person for years but still aren't sure if you truly know them, that's ok, they're just a kraut kid, and they're a little elusive.

If you can whistle well, you are a kraut's kid.

If your laughter sounds something like wheezing, you are a kraut's kid.

If you have ever said sprechen sie deutsch? And that is the extent of your Deutsch, you are a kraut's kid.

If you are a female over the age of 25 and you have to semi-regularily pluck a chin hair or two, you are a kraut's kid.

If you avoid helping your sister move but will go out of your way to help a stranger, you are a kraut's kid.

If you are tenacious to a fault, like cannot go to sleep until a project is finished, you are a kraut's kid.

If you work hard so that you can play harder, well that's just common sense, and kraut kids are full of common sense. 

Lastly, if you like bratwurst with sauerkraut on a fresh home made roll, you are perfectly normal, have great taste, and a German father.

That's all.


  1. Purple Bean, you make me laugh! I may not be a Kraut's Kid, but I do enjoy bratwurst with sauerkraut on fresh rolls! Guten Appetit!


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